Dear Auron
by The Red Death
Summary: *SPOILERS* When Rikku reveals to Yuna that she misses a certain ronin guardian, Yuna suggests Rikku writes a letter to him like she had to Tidus. Sort of Aurikku, but not as you may think. R/R!!!


****

**Dear Auron…**

****

Synopsis: *SPOILERS* When Rikku reveals to Yuna that she misses a certain ronin guardian, Yuna suggests Rikku writes a letter to him like she had to Tidus. Sort of Aurikku, but not as you may think. R/R!!! 

Dear Auron,

                                This feels so stupid. I mean, I am writing to a dead man. Actually, I was travelling with a dead man for a few months, this really shouldn't be that weird. Maybe it's the fact that I know you'll never get this letter, and I'm basically writing it to myself. Yeah, that really is weird.

Anyway, now that I've explained to myself why I'm writing to you, maybe I could explain how I got into this mess. Me Yunie, and our great new friend Paine had a girlie night in the other week, and we got kind of drunk, and we got kind of sad, and we started reflecting on everyone we'd lost during those years. Yuna, of course, told Paine all about Tidus and how much she loved him… gotta admit, I miss that guy. He was like my carbon copy. Yuna's still really cut up about it though. She still goes down to the water at Besaid whenever she's there and just whistles out over the ocean. Lulu told me that Tidus taught her how to do it whilst they were searching for you in Luca, so they could find each other if they ever got split up. At this sleepover she told us about their first kiss, about little moments they'd share together during that really sad time. And then it passed to me, my turn to tell Paine about my experiences on the pilgrimage.

Isn't it funny, how drink takes away all your inhibitions about things? And by the way, before you get all high and mighty with me, I can drink now. Eighteen years of age. Heh. Anyway, I am reminded of a quote: "Drink doesn't talk, it just changes your mouth." Heh. I don't really remember much of what I was spewing, but Yunie and Paine certainly do. Yunie told me I talked about you; how mean you were at the beginning, how much you changed me, and how much I thought you'd changed, too. Then I started talking about the sending, and I was crying and stuff-

I don't believe that. Yuna just took this off me and said I was defeating the point. She told me I was just explaining myself and wasn't actually telling you anything. Heh. Kinda reminds me of you…

Okay, I'll try again. Remember when we first met? I remember your first words to me. "Look at me…" A command, not a request. When I first met you I just saw this weird scary guy. Then again, I often  make hasty first impressions, and they often change over time. Hell, I even fancied Tidus when I first met him! Glad my opinions changed on that one… anyway, you really were a domineering personality back then. And you cannot deny, all the way through Guadosalam you were a real stick-in-the-mud. Like when the others went in the Farplane and we were stuck outside, you just wouldn't talk to me. You just kept shrugging me off, you know? It was kinda hurtful.

And the Thunderplane? How could I ever forget that! I was so scared and you just shrugged me off without a care! I guess you were just pissed off at me for trying to hard to get something out of you when you just wanted to be left alone.

I think you tried to make up for that in Macalania. When Brother attacked us, you were pretty supportive, despite Wakka's meanie-ness. You even saved me from losing an argument with him by calling me over to the snowmobile. I was glad we were sharing. I don't know what it was… I suppose just because Lulu and Wakka went so far back, there was obviously something close between Tidus and Yuna, and as for Kimahri… well, he just always wanted to be alone. I needed a friend, you know? And you may not have exactly been super-friendly guy, you were… there. That ride was great fun. I believe I even made you smile at times. 

And then what about after that? Well, there were always the little things, you know? Like down in the lake. You were there when I woke up. You gave me a kind of half-smile and pulled me to my feet. Cute. Then, when the ground cracked you grabbed my hand. My heart kinda leapt up into my throat at the thought of you caring about me enough to want to keep me safe. When we woke on the beach though, it seemed that I was mistaken in thinking you gave a shit. You grabbed what you thought was Yuna's hand. Meanie! And there was me thinking you cared. Heh. So, after you LEFT ME ON MY OWN and went off to find the others, I did a little thinking… why was I feeling so jealous of your attentions towards Yuna? Did I…care for you? At that time, I thought it was ridiculous. I mean…. bleugh. Tidus was the cute one, you know? And, as if I needed to remind you, you were like… ancient. Well over thirty. Old enough to be my dad, actually. Ewww! So I managed to convince myself that I felt nothing. That was enough to last me… until the worst day of my life was set upon me.

Do you remember it, Auron? That day when my life was ripped apart. The day when Home was destroyed…

I didn't think you'd understand. I thought you'd just shrug it off and call me immature for being so sad. But you were the only one who came to visit me when I sat in my airship dorm, crying my eyes out. And the most amazing thing happened. You opened up to me.

I told you about my thoughts on losing my home, on Keyakku, my first boyfriend, on losing every possession I held dear, of now having nothing to return to… at that last comment, you gave a kind of half-laugh. You told me you felt like me when guarding Braska. When they excommunicated you from Yevonism, they not only took the faith that you had followed, but they took your home in Bevelle, your worldly possessions with the exception of a sword and a jug, and (most importantly to you I think) your pride. Still you fought on, prepared to do anything for Braska; your life would now be spent serving him. But you always wondered… what would come after that? You found solace through bad times knowing that you would be aiding a person you cared for, but you forgot to think of yourself.

You also told me that… I reminded you of yourself when you were young. Now that was a shock. The Great Sir Auron, like me? I always wondered in what way? Well, I was to find that out later.

The raid on Bevelle? Yes, that was next. I thought it must be strange, you returning to your hometown in such a…violent way. But it had to be done, after all. I could read you like a book when you were  watching Yuna. She was doing what you would not do. By the way, it always bugged me that you never told me why you didn't marry the high priest's daughter. What, was she ugly or something? I don't think so, daughters of High Priests are groomed to be beautiful. Then what? I wonder…

Anyway, a lot happened in that one day. I think the most telling was the moment Kinoc held a gun to your head. You hid it well, but you were shocked when your own friend threatened to kill you, I could tell. Valiantly we tried to escape and find Yuna, succeeding only in the second part. She was in the chamber of the Fayth, still clinging to her damn dream of saving Spira. What I wouldn't have given to take her place and save her…

We got caught and imprisoned, waiting for our trial. I gotta admit, I had never been so scared in my life. They caged me with Kimahri whilst you were with Tidus. Kimahri said nothing, only muttered an incoherent name a couple of times while looking out over out prison. I just curled up into a ball and thought about how much I wanted you to comfort me again. Then I realised how much I cared for you. How when Kinoc had that gun to your head I wanted to run in and take the bullet myself. This pilgrimage wasn't just about Yuna anymore. It was about you.

Our trial was executed, and so were we in theory. They threw us into the Via Purefico. You, Lulu, Kimahri and Yunie quickly found dry land, and went about trying to find an exit. Me, Wakka and Tidus stayed under the water. It was kinda scary, not knowing whether you guys were even alive. Being able to hold my breath for ages under water really does pay off. When we were reunited, it was in bad circumstances. Seyomur appeared, holding the dead Kinoc. You looked then as if you were going to cry. All I wanted to do was hold you, but I couldn't… that moment, all your past was destroyed. You were desolate.

We finally did escape, out into exile. I tried to talk to you, but you distanced yourself further from all of us after Kinoc's death. I thought at the time it was just your way of mourning your friend, but later I would find out… no, I'm not going to jump ahead. Deal with one emotion before getting to the next is a good idea. And you want to know the next emotion? Envy. And of who? At Yuna and Tidus.

Macalania. That beautiful lake where you first told the early stages of your story. They were young, beautiful and in love, and they revelled in it. And I was jealous. Why was it that she loved him and he loved her back? Why was it that they could be so happy while I… I watched you then. You were… distant. I don't know what you were thinking about. Maybe you were thinking about Kinoc's death… but something told me you were remembering Jecht and Braska. Now their children had fallen in love. It was almost poetic. But that got me thinking too… what if you'd had kids? Would they be… my age? Looking back now, Paine _does _look suspiciously like you… but anyway, the jealousy drove me mad. All I wanted to do was kiss you softly, but there was never opportunity to…

Now I can talk about the most scary part. Zanarkand.

I'd been collecting the spheres for a while before we got there, learning about your life. You seemed… like a junior you. You were pretty cute! But it didn't really help me figure out what you meant when you said I reminded you of yourself. Then we got to Yunalesca…

I was really mad at you when you told us about her. You knew that Yuna would die in vain, and you never told us! We thought we were going to destroy Sin, but all we were really gonna do was sacrifice Yuna and become Sin ourselves. Why, dammit! And you know the worst thing? Yuna still wanted to go through with it. She still was willing to die, even though it was in vain. I found myself screaming inside and out, begging her not to do it… then finally I discovered our similarity. 

The pyre flies brought forward a memory; your memory, of Braska discovering the very same news that Yuna had mere moments before. And what were you doing? You were begging Braska to stay, not to sacrifice his life. You… cared. You wanted him to turn away more than anything, you were willing to sacrifice your life to save his… and then I realised. You were cold and cruel to me because you saw your own mistakes being made again before you. All the times you scolded me for acting rashly, it was because all those years ago, you did something rash…

And it cost you your life.

I was almost sick when I saw your memories of the fight with Yunalesca. You had lost Braska, lost Jecht… you ran at her, screaming "Where is the sense in all this? Braska believed in Yevon's teachings and died for them! Jecht believed in Braska and gave his life for him!". Your passion drove you to charge at her… and she hit you away. She hit you so hard… I almost cried. But it was enough to convince Yuna to stop. I breathed a sigh of relief then, and for that moment I knew true happiness. But it wasn't to last.

You were never planning to tell, were you? You were just going to… go. My head was still spinning from the idea of Tidus leaving us, and then… to see the pyre flies escape you, and to hear you say so softly that you didn't want her to stop… my breath caught in my throat. You were… leaving me… I couldn't believe it. And when you said goodbye, it was so detached… all I could do was stay strong when you burst into light and not cry. I convinced myself you cared for us and didn't want to hurt us, so you kept the goodbyes to a minimum…

But that makes me wonder- if you enjoyed being with us, why did you leave? Were we so awful to be with? Yuna says that you were only keeping us away so we wouldn't be sad when you did go, but who says you had to leave?  I was just beginning to know you! We had something going, you know? 

I can't believe it- writing this dumb letter is making me cry. It's not even like I'm talking to you. You're dead, gone forever. There I said it, happy? I can't believe I'm doing this…

Didn't you think about us when you left? It was always you, you had to keep your distance, you had to tell us where to go, you, you, you! 

The great Auron, the man who always had something wise to say, but you never once said the things that mattered, you know? You never admitted you were afraid, or were sad, or happy- just Auron. Were you trying to be brave? Who for? Yunie? Yourself? Me?   
I feel like yelling, I want you to be here so I can scream at you, why didn't you tell me?! Didn't you think that the fact you were dead was important enough to bring up?! What if I told you how I felt when you were…

I almost said when you were 'alive', but you weren't alive then were you? Or perhaps you were… I can remember your eyes; they were alive, so perhaps you were too.

I still can't believe you didn't tell me, did you think I'd stop feeling for you if I found out? Admittedly it would have been weird at first but I would have gotten over it, I can get over anything, you know? 

I was shocked at first, but who wouldn't be? And of course if we wanted children you being dead would have been a bit of a problem but who needs children? I have the personality to match all the children we could ever want! Things would have been ok. 

I don't know what makes me angry more- you leaving or the fact that you couldn't stay. The words are going blurry, I don't want to cry really I don't….but I can't stop. Damn you Auron! How can one man cause so much pain?!

I use to be so happy, everything was simple then. I thought love would all be so romantic and innocent. I had dreams! You were in every one, but in them you would open you arms to me…open your heart. Perhaps I was too late? Was I too dumb to realise how I felt while I had the chance? Perhaps this is true love, just dreams of what could have been.

Did you dream of me? Did you feel closer to me than the others? Do you think of me? On the Farplane? I have been meaning to see you really, it's just, kinda hard, you know? What would I say? Would you listen? There's no reason to go really, except I need to see you again. But if I saw you, I'd need to hear your voice, waiting for you to say one of those cheesy lines of wisdom- but you'd only be a silent picture- a memory, and I want to keep my memories close to my heart…keep you close to my heart. Do you mind? Wait…what am I saying? I'm asking whether it's ok if I don't see you dead in the farplane- why should I ask? It's not my fault your trapped there! It was your choice to disappear, not mine, so I can do what I want. I don't need your permission!       
  


Even when you are dead I feel like you're in control, taking over everything. If things go wrong I can imagine you there, with some smart comment to make. But I feel closest to you when I am on the Thunderplane, yet every time I feel afraid as the lightening strikes, I feel the need to cling to your sleeve or anything just to know you are there. It's strange, I feel closer there, safer because your there, but it is the place I'm most afraid of, you know?

I would of thought I'd be closest to you at Home, you know? That's where you showed me that you cared. Home… when it was destroyed I thought that was my lowest point, but you were there, once you'd gone…there wasn't much left. Of course I had Yunie, but how could I tell her how I felt?! She was so upset over Tidus, how could I make her feel worse?! It was your fault! You left me! I had no one to help me through my pain, I had to help Yunie! It's not fair…it's not fair…. 

I've tried, I really have, can't you see how hard I've tried? I wanted to start over- to feel like life had meaning again. Why has everything changed? I thought that after the journey we had everything would be the same- we'd all be happy once Sin had gone. Don't you think its ironic how our lives ended up? Sin is gone- but no-one's truly happy. All Yunie wanted was Tidus, and he's gone and all I wanted was…well…you.

I suppose Lulu and Wakka are happy, well, they've moved on as best they could. They both lost Chappu- taken by Sin. 

And Kimahri, how must he feel? He's way of life was destroyed along with his home, and the Ronso. The only survivors the Ronso Fangs…and Kimahri. 

How can we move on? We all had dreams of life after Sin…and Sin took them away.

Yunie is looking over my shoulder; I can hear her crying behind me. All because of you- I had to make this dumb letter to you to tell you how I feel and I'm crying over it, and in this dumb letter I mentioned how Tidus is gone and that makes Yunie cry! I hate you! I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU!!!!!

I hate you for leaving me, for never letting me have the chance to tell you how I feel. I hate you for taking so long to open up to me. Why did it take so long for us to be close?!  

I'm beginning to wonder…can you hear me? Up there with Braska and Jecht, can you read everything I've written? I can imagine you, just listening as I pour my heart out. "Just words" you'd say…."what are words?"

Words are feelings Auron! How can I tell you how I feel without using words, you know? 

But in a way…you're right. For all these feelings I have…how many words are there that can describe them? Describe you even, describe us.

So many things have happened now, that perhaps trying to fit them into words wouldn't be right, you know? We all know the feelings we had, and still have. The things that were shared between all of us…words wouldn't be needed anymore, we just know. 

Perhaps we've all come so far, that it's too late to go back. No matter how much we want it too. I wonder, if we all knew what was gonna happen back then…would we have still gone on? Would Yunie still keep going if she knew that Tidus wouldn't be here to help her when Sin was gone? Would I have still let her go on, knowing that you would leave me…just when I realized how I felt? 

And would Kimahri still help if he knew that his family would be destroyed?

I don't know…but I think….if we knew…

We'd have carried on. It would hurt to know but we would take every moment as it came and treasured it, just like now.

Perhaps Yunie's right, I feel like I'm actually telling you and it's not so painful anymore, you know?

It's like I'm not carrying a burden anymore….

It's like I got to say goodbye.


End file.
